It’s been forever and it’s been only 10 minutes, it seems. Many times I’ve sat down with intent to begin again and bring a new post to life. Every time I got up and left the blank pages on the screen and in my head and walked away….disappearing feathers. No feathers at all. I’ve sat staring at the wall for minutes on end trying to find my way…..no way, no answers came. No feathers at all. When people started asking if I was still posting, my response was that I had lost my mojo. But it’s deeper than that.
When I started this blog I admitted to myself and to you that it was a journey. I knew that I didn’t know where it would take me and I knew that I didn’t have all the answers to the feathers that would come. I found myself overwhelmed with the pressure of comparison, the pressure of my own need for perfection, the pressure to be a good wife, a good daughter, a good employee, and a good blogger. And the feathers began to disappear. I began to question everything.
During this unintended and embarrassing absence (if I’m being totally honest), I began to re-evaluate the purpose of this little place in the world I call Grace and White Feathers. I desperately wanted to pursue monetizing my blog but found myself conflicted with the requirements of doing so and the limitations of a blog that wasn’t growing in readership. Without collaborations with companies to bring you products I recommend, I found myself just mimicking other blogs and trying to sell you on the items anyway. Sitting back from the keyboard and skimming my own posts, I was dissatisfied with that direction. Then the feathers of outfit inspiration quit coming. I stood in my closest waiting for ideas to flow. But ideas don’t flow in a cluttered and anxiety-riddled mind. They just don’t flow at all and I found myself immobilized. Not one feather.
If you’re a Type A personality, then you know that often the mind can only focus and obsess over one thing at a time. Making that one thing into a perfect something is all that matters. All. That. Matters. The Type A brain can only see one thing at a time. That one goal. That one purpose. And when something more pressing steps into sight, then that thing becomes the one goal, the one purpose. That’s what happened. Life requirements that are pressing on me at the moment have tarnished the fun of planning outfits. I know that many of you know how that is. When I lost focus, I began to spiral out of control in my mind. The loss of control lead me to lose interest in many things…..healthy eating, staying fit, blogging, clothes, work, people……..the list goes on and on. It’s not easy to admit that but it is the truth and it is part of this messy journey.
But if it’s going to be a journey on which I’ve invited you, it’s only fair to share that journey even when the road is dry and rocky and downright ugly. My apologies to each of you who might have been looking for feathers and found none. I know the feeling and I’m sorry.
I will begin again. I have to because it gives me sanity. Learning to allow and focus on multiple things at the same time will be the key to controlling my mind. The key to reducing catastrophic all-or-nothing thinking. I’m not at the current time who I want to be. Maybe you aren’t either. Maybe we can evoke some of that girl power they keep talking about on social media and forge ahead together. I’m reaching for my boot straps. Gosh, I hope I can pull them up.
Here we go……let’s see what happens!